Bookish Mumma

There won’t be a new chapter review today or tomorrow. I need to take a couple days to myself.

A year ago, I met the most incredible man, someone I love more than anyone before or anyone who will come after him. He is and will stay the love of my life. Much like Alex from Red, White and & Royal Blue, I am hurting without the one I love. Unfortunately I don’t have the ability to hop on a plane and storm his castle. Instead, I am here in this house that was supposed to be ours, remembering the life that we were going to build here and remembering how happy it always made me, but also processing how sad it makes me now. I have to find a new normal and, though he is still in my life and I couldn’t imagine it any other way, it’s still difficult.

So here is my love letter to us.

You don’t like to show it, but you are an incredibly emotional person and I love how deeply you are able to feel and understand things. I, on the other hand, am a deeply emotional person who doesn’t have the ability to hide it. Together, we were electric. We were a cyclone of love and passion and laughter. You used to chase me around the house, knowing how ticklish I was, just to see me squirm and then kiss me while I’m coming out of a fit of giggles. I would wake up in the middle of the night to your snoring, cuddle into your side and feel your arm pull me in, even in your sleep. Unconsciously (or barely consciously), we were drawn together and I still think that we are, it just looks different. You love to laugh so much that you have to have comedy on TV as we are going to sleep and we found so many comedians together that we love. There was no part of our lives, as complex as they may have been, that was lacking in love. We had it in abundance. I still hold it for you in abundance.

You may never come home to me, but until you do, I will make sure your side of the bed is ready for you. I will make sure you have a clean pillowcase and a warm mattress. I’ll make sure I have a cup of hot milo for you, ready to help you wind down for the night. I will have open arms to hold you when you need it and to cuddle you while we sleep, ready to be your little jetpack. I will make sure that you can feel the love I have for you in every room, in every item of this house and I will make sure that you have a safe place to come home to. I will make sure that you can feel your emotions out in the open without feeling judged for them.

So, when you are ready…

Welcome home.